Want to know a secret? I struggle. (a lot lately....)
I could just say that I struggle with going to work and doing my dishes every night. Which I do, that much is true - it's just not where I want to leave things.
I struggle with expectations.
My expectations of myself.
I think these expectations of mine come from a few different things.
ONE - going to high school with very determined people. (And by "determined", I mean people who are going places. Starting with Columbia, Harvard, and every other famous school.) It made me want to do big things, become someone big.
I sit at work and think about how I have a college degree and haven't done anything with it.(I am grateful I have a job. I am just not in love with it.) Then I sit and think of different possibilities that I can do to further my education/abilities and feel more satisfied.
But I think I am okay in realizing that my "difference" in the world comes from A) smiling at people at work (and some of them DON'T deserve it.) B) fulfilling my calling(S). Those nursery kids might not ever remember me. Or my 1.5 minute lesson. But (hopefully) they will remember that nursery was fun.
Plus, who really wants to be famous? I'll take my privacy any day.
THREE - Pinterest/blogs. (you might even throw FB in there...) Oh, how these are complicated relationships right here. I could easily spend my whole day (just ask David) perusing the stories and the pictures and the inspiration that is floating around.
I love love LOVE the power that sharing ideas has. And now, everything a girl could practically want, idea/inspiration-wise, is right at my fingertips. And there is so much out there to LEARN. I love the stories that connect people to each other. I look at these women and their lives and think of how wonderful it would be to have their experiences. And then I remember that I am not them. I am me
Essentially, the whole point of this dissertation is that I need to change my outlook. I am so, so grateful for my education. And I do plan on continuing to learn for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for a job that treats me well (other than the drive every day through nasty Utah construction, ugh). As much as I want to do/be something big - I don't think I will really enjoy it as much as I like to think I will. I love pinterest/blogs for everything they are and embody, I want to have MY OWN experiences. My pictures might not be as perfect and my etsy shop might be non-existent, but I will have memories of my own.
And secretly,(David - ignore this part) I am okay with the idea of starting a family anytime now. It used to freak me out. But the more and more I think about it (and teach nursery and go to work), the more I realize that I want that part of life to be mine.
So my expectations now are these:
1 - wake up every day happy for what I have
2 - live my own life. and not on the computer
3 - don't have expectations. :)
Any other suggestions?
How's that for a new post?(does anyone else actually read this??)
I read your blog! I agree with you about pinterest.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog as well! And I totally understand about the enjoying life now problem. I sometimes think life will be better when... fill in the blank. But I think you have the right attitude, it is just something to keep working on! And smiling can make a huge difference in someone's day so keep it up! I am trying really hard to focus on making the best of everyday because some days/weeks feel tedious and like I haven't accomplished much but that is just negativity crawling in and you have to fight it back and focus on the positive!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, and you do awesome things. I am always impressed with you, and you always have such great composure! There is a lot of life ahead of us, and if these next few years are not as fulfilling as we want them to be, just remember that in the scheme of things, we will be successful mothers and wives, and that is SO great and important! And you know that already. But when you get frustrated now, just look at that gorgeous blanket you are making.
ReplyDeleteGood girl! I'm with you--especially on the internet thing. I sometimes end up feeling kind of down after reading certain blogs or facebook or browsing pinterest . . . but then I think of how much effort everyone is putting into making their lives look 100% perfect and glamorous and under control and figure just the time alone being spent on making it look that way means their lives AREN'T perfect and glamorous and under control (who's washing the dishes while they're taking professional photos of their daily outfits? And I guarantee Baby Einstein is being played on repeat while they make their annoying little status updates about how deliriously happy they are and how perfect their family is), and that makes me feel a little better :-)
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