Happiness is all around you, laughing with you, and loving you.

I think growing up with 10 kids in my family has made me love being surrounded by people. Moving to Utah was one of the hardest things for me to do because I had to go from having 9 or so people in the same house with me to none. It was kind of depressing. Okay, it was really depressing. I missed having both Anna and Emma come sleep with me after they'd woken up in the middle of the night (Thank you, Dad, for telling them to go sleep with me, instead of letting them crawl in with you). So, I solved that problem. I got two extra big pillows to sleep with, besides my regular one. And I put one between me and the wall, and the other I snuggle with. And then everything is just dandy! Still not quite the same thing, but definitely a lot closer.
But pillows aren't exactly the most animated.

So I've tried to convince la roommate to get a pet.
I wanted a kitten, she vetoed. She wanted a rabbit, I vetoed.

(speaking of cats:
I made a new friend last night! And he almost followed me home. I had to run a couple blocks to escape his interest. He looked a little like this:

I named him Felix. But sadly, sadly, someone in my apartment would have regretted my bringing my new friend home with me. But their allergies would have loved me. LOVED me.)

Alas, since Felix will not be joining our household, we have instead agreed to the open adoption of two aquatic creatures that will be moving in momentarily. They might already have names? If not, I want to name one Sergei and the other Hosea... or maybe Nina?

Anyways, I'm pretty stoked.

Some are scared to fly so high. Well, this is how we have to try - have no envy, no fear. j.radin

"One day you will feel like you know what you are doing."

That is the piece of wisdom I read today while getting my daily fill of the news. And my first thought was 'Really? I don't believe it.' I think the older I get, the more I realize I don't know. I've been blessed to be working at the same job for the past 2 years. And I do know a lot.

My list of accomplishments from this job include (but definitely are not limited to): interior design, prop building, binder assembling, becoming a copy-making fiend, preparations dances, scheduling - then re-scheduling - a building, computer hacking skills, repair skills-including anything from pool cues to printers, safety and security, and teaching my managers how to call people anonymously, etc....
But, as comfortable and confident as I sometimes feel, I still don't know everything. Most of the time, I can find the answer to a question and help someone, but there are still a lot of things that I don't know.

Well, today I realized that I already knew the most important thing about my job. I know how to help someone. Even if I don't know the answer. A big part of having a job like mine, at least to me, is your customer service. I think it's HUGELY important - the way you treat people is the reflection of the love and respect you have for them. Especially when you don't know them.

Today, while trying to track down a lost order from our supplier's warehouse, the girl on the other end of the phone wasn't being particularly helpful. Anyways, after talking to her for a while and then being put on hold for at least 15 minutes, I realized that there was no point in me getting frustrated at her. It didn't help anyone. Least of all me. And maybe talking on the phone with her and letting her figure things out will help her become more able to help another customer faster and more easily the next time around.

I guess everything we do comes from a choice. And I just want to choose to be happy. I like being happy. So even if I never ever feel completely confident in myself, even if I never learn anything else, that is all I need to know - everything we do comes from a choice. And we can choose to be happy.


And in regards to that, I do need to work on being happier. No more disgruntled grumpiness in the mornings was step one. Although, I'm doing an okay job, right Kinsey?

That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do it has increased.
- Heber J. Grant

I'm conquering dragons. How about you?

So today I found this:

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated.
- g.k. chesterton

I can remember wanting to be a princess when I was little. I wanted to find a white horse and ride off into the sunset. I wanted to live in a tower in a land that was perfect. I wanted the pretty dresses and long flowing hair. I wanted to be able to talk to animals, to sing with birds. I wanted carriage rides and tiaras.

And now that I know that princess school does not actually exist, this is the kind of princess I want to be:

That girl knew what she was doing. Thank you, Princess Elizabeth, for being on my list of heroes. My dragon may not be your dragon, but you showed me that I can beat mine - without a sword, a suit of armor, or a horse.

I didn't stick with the plan.

There are so many scenarios where this applies.

1. Football. 4th down and yards to go, told to punt. Bypassed logic and just went for it instead.

2. Kitchen. Supposed to follow the directions explicitly to the letter. Didn't. Chose gut feeling instead.

3. Work. List of things to do and not to do. Ignored the whole thing. Rewrote my own list instead.

4. School. Knew the "proper" way to get the answer. Disregarded it. Did it my own way instead.

5. Life. Kissed my best friend. Wasn't planning on it. Kissed him anyways.


And I hope I just didn't ruin one of the best things I ever had.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket - Never let it fade away.

Last night as I lay in bed and the lines between reality and dreaming started to blur, my mind was filled with an incredulous story that seemed so.... cockamamie to me. Unbelievable and fallacious. And yet, I could not resist putting it here for you all to enjoy. (Parts are true, parts are not: believe what you want.)

Once, there were these two young, amazingly beautiful, charming, witty and knowledgeable girls named Yesnik and Acceb. Their grandfather was one of the noblest in the land, but all of his wealth had been inherited by other descendants, so these girls had to settle for the distinct privilege of being recognized as the belles of their boroughs. Although Yesnik and Acceb lived miles away from each other, they were given the opportunity to spend a very small amount of time together once every two years.

This year, unfortunately Yesnick and Acceb had their time shortened due to previous social engagements. So all they had together was one night. That night was the time for divulging secrets and re-enacting adventures! Tonight - this one memorable night - Yesnik and Acceb decided to finally exchange their sagas of their individual quests for the elusive falling stars.

Now, it is important to give you this sidenote: Ever since the beginning of time, it has been the goal of each young lady who lives and breathes to catch as many falling stars as possible. In some vast lands, it is an honor to have the most falling stars. In other different lands, you are revered and esteemed for only catching a small amount, and shunned for catching more than is considered your fair share - for let's be honest, that can be misconstrued as being avaricious and greedy. All lands view falling stars as precious gifts and catching them is more than just a rite of passage - it is a wondrous opportunity and an honored privilege to experience.

You must also understand that Yesnick and Acceb differed in age by only a few years. As both Yesnik and Acceb began to relate their tales, both were reluctant to admit to the other the amount of falling stars each had acquired. But as the stories of each conquest were revealed, Yesnik and Acceb could only exclaim that they had also had done what the other had accomplished. One by one, star by star, through the complexities they had separately endured, Acceb and Yesnik only grew closer together - through caring for and saving the life of a child to competing and conquering challenges issued by others,. As their caboodle of stars continued to proliferate, so did their love and caring for each other.

Yet, as much as they loved each other and their bond of almost-sisterhood, there was a slight sense of competition between them. When it came down to finally giving the exact specifications of how many falling stars they had each amassed, they agreed to tell each other at the same time. On the count of 3, they both said their number of falling stars. And which of these do you think took the prize? Well, my dear reader, neither. At the same time, both Yesnik and Acceb called out the exact same number - twenty-nine. A number to be applauded, indeed. And because of their exceedingly high successes, they were lauded as the most talented and accomplished ladies in all the land.

THE END.

Well, folks, I laid there in my bed thinking about my collection falling stars. And I take comfort in knowing that the sky is so vast and filled with balls of gas burning billions of miles away and that there are more available if I choose to seek them out. And I think I'm okay with just having my two falling stars right now. I'll leave the shining, shimmering and being the heroes to Yesnik and Acceb.

musings?

i'd rather do things my own way. on my own time. without getting hurt. except apparently, that's not possible. even when you did everything you could. i built walls. around and around to keep everyone out that i didn't want to let in.

where does it all come from? why does that one hurt so badly and why do i care so much about someone i don't actually know. and pretty soon this facade will be over and you'll realize who i truly am. and then you'll leave me and i will leave with a memory. because isn't that all i really need? just memories. and hopes and dreams. but nothing real or made up.

i live in this world. where everything is like a dream. try as i might nothing ever becomes the way i want it to be. in the end, i have to realize that i can never really want anything. i am afraid that if i want something so much, it only means that i will never have it.

Stuck on band-aids...

I didn't think it would feel like this. And yet, somehow getting stood up on a fake date is worse than a real date. I didn't think that was possible. I mean, you're not emotionally involved or interested or anything like that. It's basically a blind date. Nothing else. And yet, it was far more terrible than I expected. Why? Well, let me tell you:

If you get asked out on a real date, that at least is one sign that the guy is interested in you, at least enough to want to ask you out. And if he does not make it to this date, it is probably for a good reason, because if he wants to spend time with you, he would probably try NOT to miss. But, on a fake date like this, if the guy stands you up, it really means he does not give a crap about you. Period. At all.



Basically, it feels just like a band-aid. Why would I choose prolonged agony? Agony that can be so painfully felt by every single, distinctive, individual cell as it is tugged and ripped away from my skin. But then all of a sudden, there is relief. no pressure. cold air. freedom.

Well, I've decided that if I had a choice, I'd rather have my band-aids ripped off. So please, don't be the one to just be pressed upon me gently and then slowly pulled away. Just ripping you off is a lot easier, and trust me, I'll get over being semi-disappointed in you and judging your faulty character a lot faster. However, I plan on avoiding this dilemma entirely by not ever needing a band-aid.

If I did, I'd get one from this box:

I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always...

dear Mom,

Today is your birthday. It seems inappropriate to say that you are older and wiser now because you have always been so wise, and you do not seem so old. You are so lovely to me - with your quiet confidence, your steady perseverance and your endless love. The moment I realized you truly truly loved me was one of those days back in high school- during the times when it seems like all I did every weekend was fight with you and Dad about every thing; when I assumed I was right and you were wrong.

Of course, it was just after we'd been fighting. Dad and I are so alike, Mom. We both like working with our hands, we both make a face when we're being stubborn, we both like to do things in certain ways - so of course, why would we be able to get along when we both assume we're right? Me being the over-emotional teenager that I was, I remember running out of the house crying and sitting down on the ground because nothing seemed to ever go my way and thinking that Dad was ruining my life and now I had no way to escape feeling like that. But, Mom, you came out after me. You didn't come and apologize or say things could be my way and that I could go and have fun. You didn't lecture me on respecting my parents or being a responsible person. No, Mom, you just sat down next to me on the ground. And when I finally opened my eyes through the tears I couldn't stop from coming, and finally looked at you, I saw that you were crying too. I knew, right then, at that moment that you loved me so much. You loved me enough to let me hurt and let me learn. You loved me enough to let me grow. I think at that moment, I finally began to understand the love a parent has for their child.

Mom, you taught me how to always strive to be my best, to not quit when things feel so low. You taught me how to be independent and that I am the happiest when I can be myself. I know I take you for granted and that you deserve so much more than I can give. I love you and I always will. Thank you for being the person that you are and for teaching me how to be like you.

I love you every day of the year,
but especially today, and always for eternity.
your daughter

Suddenly the world is too big.

dear fam damily,
i missed you all like crazy today. so i looked and looked through pictures. and laughed at the wonderful stories behind them. i love you a million swedish fish
love,
me

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way.
And I will love you like this for eternity.

(*and this is a TON of pictures. sorry.... except i'm not. i like them all.)

I believe in happily ever after.

I would now like to tell you all a story. And I wish I could read this to you out loud because I'm SO much more entertaining in person than in words(haha). You'll just have to pretend it's me reading it. Especially with all the theatrics I'd probably put in to make you laugh.

Fairy Tales Are True

Once upon a time, there was a girl. And a boy. After initially being introduced, they did not become fast friends. The girl just didn't know how to become friends with the boy. But she did want to be friends because they moved in the same circles, so logically, they should be. She didn't know what to do to overcome the great big wall she had built.

But then something magical happened. The girl didn't have to do anything special to become friends with the boy. They just started actually started doing things together with their friends and then the girl and the boy were friends. And they were for a long time.

The boy decided to disappear for two whole years. But somehow they sent messages to each other using snowflakes and rainbows so that somehow they would not feel so far away and end up not being friends anymore.

Then the boy decided to come back from the far off land where he had traveled and lived with others who are not like him. And instead of sending smoke signals or rearranging the stars, they got to talk face to face. But they mostly spoke through the enchanted and enchanting cyber kingdom of FbAoCoEk since they were still separated by a great wall that could only be overcome by those of unfailing determination and never-ending free-time.

The only problem of FbAoCoEk was that sometimes when the girl or boy said something to each other, things got lost in translation. Because of this tragic flaw, the friendship between the girl and the boy was tested. And pulled and twisted and tossed through a war. And somehow in one day, the boy and girl went from being friends to being 'more than friends' to breaking up and then getting back together and then breaking up again. This heartbreaking, devastating tragedy happened in the eternities of a short ten minutes. Woeful, heartbroken and betrayed, the girl did not know where to turn. Especially as she felt so alone in the cube that she was sitting in when it happened. And yet, because she got to talk to the boy that day she just felt like it made her day so much more exciting -despite the despair she felt.

The girl did not know how to handle it all. All the memories. All the messages in the sky and in the stars. Did nothing matter anymore? What happened to true friendship and always being there for each other? That boy broke her heart. And she didn't even know he could.

But, the story does not end here. The boy and the girl realized the flimsy and fake follies they were too concerned with and decided to put the past away and face the future. They decided to always be friends. And even if they weren't "together", together they would take steps into the future knowing that someday everything would all work out - and that even through the fighting and arguing and possible manipulation, there would always be laughter and charm and love. And the never-ending hope that fairy tales do come true. THE END

All the Bells and Whistles....

(I think girls will like this post more than the guys. Sorry - It's just what came out.) Apparently it is the season for weddings! Which makes me happy. And a teeeeeeny bit sad because I know that I now take second place to someone else. But I'm okay with that so I'm mostly really really happy.

Ever since I was about 16, when there would be a wedding reception at the church where I went to seminary, I was sent back with a camera to take photos of how everything was decorated. Just so that I would have an idea of what I might want when I was old enough to get married.

Well, folks, heads up. I am now 21 years, 4 months, and one day old. Somewhere in the back of my head it is screaming that there is no way that I can get married now. I mean, I'm ONLY 21. And yet.... And yet, I've watched so many fall in love, get engaged, and have incredibly beautiful weddings/marriages that I can't help but want one of my own. And I've had a lot of people suggest to me that maybe I should get married. My parents, my little brothers, people from back home who know how BYU is, everyone out here who is married. Don't get me wrong. I do want to get married. But there are some important things to think about - it being the right time, right place, right person, right authority - these ALL play a role in it.

However, Christian did tell me that he had a dream that I got engaged, AND he had to ask me if it was true or not. So either he's a fortuneteller or his dream was creepily realistic. So, since I've been preparing myself for this with photographs since high school, I decided to share some of my plans with you all (along with some tangents).

1) I found the wedding dress I want. Alas, I just found out it will cost more than a semester of tuition. Ergo it is out of the picture. So I shall have to restart the search again.
2) I love love LOVE looking at wedding pictures. You can practically feel the happiness OOZING out of their smiles. It's like Love is tangible. And since I always want what I can't have, I want that. So that's where I get tons of my ideas.
Here's the cake I want:
Not really, but kind of. I think it would be super fun. And that's the important part of the wedding, right?

Here are some flowers that I LOVE: except for the roses. I'm not such a big fan of roses.

But I am currently obsessed with dark purple.

And since I've gotten to look at so many rings lately, here's my current favorite:I don't know. I go back and forth. (And since I'm a girl, I pretty much like anything that is sparkly.)

Anyways, the rest of the plans are currently under review because I change my mind a million times a day. So, here's what I know about the guy I'm bound to end up with. I went back to my notes from when I was 16 and found these: Please read and enjoy. (And please please remember, I'm not 16 anymore, but I was when I took these. Way before facebook quizzes came around.)

Your type is the Preppy
If he's conservative, friendly, and clean-cut, he's just your type! You fall hard and fast for him. Your guy's refined, runs with a cool crowd, and has a little cockiness thrown in for good measure. He's just cool, calm, and collected. Another quality that draws you to him is his ambition. He aims for success and follows whatever path will lead him there. You respect how he always makes time for his friends and has a tendency to be a little goofy. With this cheeky,well-groomed guy, you can rest assured that you'll live the American dream!
Huzzah for the American dream! haha

You are a Hopeless romantic
Chances are you love soft music, candlelight, and long walks on the beach at sunset. Crying at sappy movies (your favorite kind) is a given — a box of tissues is a must — and you've have had your wedding planned since grade school. (HA - close. More like high school.) You're looking for a deep relationship — a soul mate. Traditional and sympathetic, guys love that they can open up to you and talk to you about their feelings, their past, and their hopes for the future. How can a suitor win your heart? By romancing you. Sending you flowers, surprising you with a picnic lunch, or going for a horse-drawn carriage ride. Before you know it, you'll be creating a life-long love story. (More like for eternity, not just life-long.)

Natalie, you find love in a Fairy Tale
Glass slippers, traveling minstrels, knights in shining armor. These are some of the classic components of fairy tales. And when it comes to your real-life love life, you'll take 'em in the form of candy and flowers, poems describing your beauty, tiny velvet boxes, and the like. (I'm liking the velvet boxes part. And the flowers.)You sometimes have to work to get your head out of the clouds, but your optimistic spirit and love-conquers-all attitude helps you deal with the good and bad that life might throw your way. As long as you can spot a poison apple when it knocks on your door, you'll always be able to find your happy ending.

Natalie, Prince Charming is the man of your dreams
A hopeful romantic, you're looking for that special guy who believes in fairy tales too. You want the best for yourself and those you love. And you're happy to go the extra mile to make sure everything works out in the end. So even if it means kissing a lot of frogs, you won't settle until you've found the prince you've been looking for. And that's sure to make a happy ending.

Well, if you have made it to the end of this post, I'm sorry. Those last 4 paragraphs were probably a huge waste of your time. And mine too, when I was 16. And I am happy now. I love my life. Even the parts that seem so unsure at times. Being where I am today is so, so much different and better than I pictured it. But maybe that's the best part.

dear Boy,
if you are the man i end up with, i want you to know that i am trying to be the best person i can be now. sometimes i feel like you will never show up. but if you promise to show up soon, i promise to let you help plan the wedding. with no zebra cake. and i promise to love you forever. literally.
love,
Me.