Let's talk about the anxiety. With pregnancy/baby número uno, there was just this elated overwhelming feeling of happiness because it was finally happening and new chapters and our lives are going to change and all that jazz.
Round two. So different. I don't know if it stems from too much reading about others' experiences with miscarriage or losing their babies or having to hear bad news about the difficulty their babies would face in coming to this world. But it totally has made me paranoid. I have mucho bad dreams now. Dreams that I lose the baby. Dreams that the baby can't be part of our family. Dreams that something will develop wrong that I just emotionally can't handle and wake up in a panic because I don't think I'm a good enough mom/person to be able to handle that type of situation.
I'm afraid. Afraid of how hard that would make my life. Afraid of losing a baby. Afraid of miscarrying. Afraid of what will happen when baby does come and I have TWO babies to take care of. Afraid of losing myself in trying to be a good mother. And failing at both.
These feelings have been around since before we even knew about baby 2. But sweet relief comes in little ways. In hearing Noah say the only word that comes out clearly -- bayyybeeee. In seeing the ultrasounds and watching this baby move and kick and turn inside me. In hearing doctors and nurses say everything looks perfect. (Completely took that phrase for granted before. Never again.) In reading these sweet words:
"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep....
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever."
(2 Ne 4:20,34)
And I know that whatever happens will be okay. This baby is so so loved already.
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